Labor Day weekend is here which means Fall is just around the corner. In just a few weeks, leaves will start to change, temperatures will drop, and the wedding RSVPs on your refrigerator will soon need your attention. For the latter, just remember that fall is not weddings season, it’s… FOOTBALL SEASON!
What’s that, Jessica? You want a Fall wedding so you can take cute photos with a backdrop of some really, really pretty foliage? ...DON’T CARE!
“But Forno, we purposely scheduled our November wedding on a Wednesday to help accommodate your schedule?”
Accommodate? I’ve literally never been more insulted in my life. You’ve clearly never heard of MACtion. How do you expect me to watch Toledo and Bowling Green battle for the Peace Pipe?
For some of us, evading Fall weddings remains a challenge we face each football season. I’ve spent countless hours sulking in my own misery knowing I will miss the night game against Temple this season because of a wedding in Philadelphia (Katie & James, I’m very happy to celebrate with you. I love you guys very much, but if Rutgers finds themselves in a hole against Temple early, I’m punting your wedding cake into the Schuylkill River). Fortunately for me, I have an iPhone that can stream games which means one thing—during the ceremony, reception, AND afterparty...I’M WATCHING COLLEGE FOOTBALL!
Now, before I breakdown the best ways to watch college football at weddings, I do want to preface this list by saying Youtube TV makes this all very easy and I recommend signing up (not a sponsor).
BEST WAYS TO WATCH FOOTBALL AT A WEDDING
1. Don’t Go
In a perfect world, the list ends here. Will this burn bridges? Yeah, probably. Will it be worth not missing Iowa score zero TDs in a thrilling Week 2 victory over Iowa State? Yeah, obviously. This is only a suggestion for the true college football sickos out there (looking at you reading this), so let’s talk more practicable options…
2. The Bread Basket is Your Friend
Offer up bread to everyone immediately. If there’s unfortunately children at this weddings, throw a roll down the hallway and tell them to go fetch. We don’t need that kind of distraction at our table, we got games to watch! So, why is it important to clear out that bread basket once the table fills up? The basket will work as a stand for your phone (streaming Youtube TV, again not a sponsor). If the basket is empty, you don’t have to worry about the groom’s annoying college roommate (total fringe invite) poking you on the shoulder asking for another multigrain roll. This runs the risk of possibly knocking over your phone literally ruining everything. Kindly let Alan know the bread bowl is empty and to leave you alone. If he seems interested in the game you are watching, proceed with caution. Maybe Alan’s cool, or maybe he starts to talk about how Northwestern’s labor studies department was at the forefront of predicting the challenges corporate “return to office” initiatives present to their employees.. Nightmare situation.
3. Don’t be Afraid to Bring the Fun to the Dance Floor!
Dancefloors provide the perfect stage to showcase your creativity. As shown in Exhibit A, you are not limited to your table as your only option to watch some college football. Strap your phone to the back of your date, start a conga line, and enjoy sweating out the over hitting of the SMU/Oklahoma game!
4. Don’t Skip Leg Day
Sometimes ceremonies are short. Sometimes they are two hours long and you may have just missed an ENTIRE half of football. Unacceptable. However, credit to you for doing extra sets on the leg curl/extension machines at the gym! Now your phone will remain firmly secured in between your legs (see Exhibit B). If you didn’t put in the extra work at the gym, you can always use the pew or chair in front of you as a stand for you phone. As this is not very discreet, I do not recommend this approach (possibly speaking from experience)*.
*If attending a wedding at a church, be sure to say 5 Our Fathers and 13 Hail Marys, because watching games in the Lord’s house is most definitely a sin.
Don’t have streaming capabilities on your phone? Worried you’re S.O.L.? Don’t worry, I got you!
#5 Tip the Bartenders Early
First priority when getting to the wedding venue—locate a television. Although unlikely, it’s possible they have an old TV somewhere behind a bar. Make sure the bartenders remember your face. Obviously leave a nice tip, but also chat it up with them; make them feel like they will be invited to your own wedding…then promptly ask for the remote or where there’s a DAMN TV in this place. After a little more schmoozing, the bartender finally hands you over the “clicker” and for the next 3 or 4 hours you get to enjoy endless martinis and RUTGERS FOOTBALL!
#6 Go to the “bathroom”
Let’s be honest, you haven’t had a normal or healthy bowel in YEARS. You knew eating Taco Bell at 3am for 5 years straight would come with consequences. And now you just had 17 pigs in a blanket while clearing out the raw bar in one trip? Buddy, I’m not a doctor, but your stomach is F*****. While dangerous and concerning, the onslaught displayed during cocktail hour may have just set you up for a 30-45 min “bathroom break”. Four minutes into the reception you whisper into your dates ear, “it’s gonna be a long one” as you get up from the table. You see the bathroom on the right and swiftly turn left…to the exit. Because you’re such a god damn professional, you scoped out the neighboring businesses across the street from the venue. Standing in front of you in bright neon lighting, we find our home for the next hour: Stan’s Sports Saloon. After 2-3 vodka sodas, we tip our cap to an excellent time watching college football at triple S’s and head back to the wedding. What a time!
To all of those attending Fall weddings, Godspeed and may the (gambling) odds be ever in your favor.
Please let me know in the comments how you plan on watching games at weddings this football season!
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