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Make Rutgers Great Again

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If the whole running-for-President thing doesn't work out, the Donald has some ideas to Make Rutgers Great Again. Out of the way, idiots and losers!

Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

[A helicopter descends from the sky in Piscataway. Donald Trump emerges]

You already know this. My name is Donald Trump, and I'm running for President of the United States of America. Stop laughing, you look like a moron when you're laughing.

I've been busy flying children around Iowa in my helicopter, but that doesn't mean I don't have BIG PLANS for Rutgers University, which is the YUUUUUGE-EST and MOST LUXURIOUS State University in my home state (well, one of them), New Jersey. I love Rutgers. There are really terrific people there, truly fabulous. Together we are going to MAKE. RUTGERS. GREAT. AGAIN.

I know Rutgers recently announced some athletic construction. I can help with that. I have built sky-scrapers hotels and golf courses all over the world. You think Trump can't handle a couple of basketball hoops and some parking spaces? You are OUT of your mind. You also put on a few pounds - once we get these new facilities opened up, get in there and hit the weights, so you don't look like such a slob, it's embarrassing for you. Seriously.

Where was I? Right. Making Rutgers Great Again. Like it says on my hat.

First we need to build a wall. I'm not talking about some little chain link fence - anyone can do that. I mean a magnificent, gold plated wall, thirty feet high and guarded by lasers and sharks, and sharks with lasers mounted on them. All along the Delaware river. Too many fans of the team from Pennsylvania around here, and we need that wall to keep them on their side of the river.

While we're building the wall, we can get to work throwing out all of those people who are already here. I see them, with their nitty kitty paw print decals on their shabby cars. Their cars are nowhere near as nice as mine. I have very nice cars.

These people are not even hiding, like you would think they would be, out of shame. They are openly mocking us, and bragging about what a terrible school they went to, or choose voluntarily to cheer for. Idiots, all of them. Some of them might be nice people, but other ones are probably criminals or sex predators. We can't have them here, and when I'm in charge, they will know not to mess with us. They're fired. I mean, exiled behind the wall. But they can come back if they are terrific. I don't care how much it costs. This is the way Ben Franklin and Colonel Henry would have wanted it, but they were losers, and couldn't get it done. Trump will get it done.

I have been to your athletic facilities. They are TERRIBLE. That football stadium is ok I guess, but there is not enough gold plating there. How is everyone supposed to know how classy you are?!? I have already started replacing the seats. Red seats, seriously? Red is for power ties, not chairs. I sit in a gold-plated chair everywhere I go. It shines like crazy and it gets really hot in the sun, but everyone knows who the boss is. GOLD chairs in the stadium is the way to go. Recruits will love it. I have a gold chair guy. I'll put him in touch with Julie Hermann. DONE.

What else? A basketball practice facility? Are you sure you want that? Practice is for losers. Like Huckabee, and Santorum and Rick Perry, and my good friend Hillary Clinton. How many "practice" runs for President will those people need before they get it right? Take Trump. I never ran for President before, and the first time I do, BOOM - top of the polls. It's very impressive. You know you're impressed. Practice is for suckers, but if you really want a basketball practice facility, fine. It'll be up by Wednesday. Now will you stop whining, Dave and Bob? It's unbecoming. You're better than that.

And I hear Rutgers is building a baseball and softball complex. I am the only game in town for that. NOBODY builds nicer baseball fields than Trump. Your plans call for normal dirt in the infield. Ridiculous. My guy will bring in the best dirt in the world. It's actually ground up coffee beans, but only beans from nice places where rich people live. It's very luxurious. Looks awesome, and the whole stadium smells terrific, like Starbucks. Anyone can have normal dirt. Trump will get you the best. DONE.

Trump is leading all the polls. Rutgers is leading NONE of the polls. Rutgers is getting as much respect in the preseason polls as Chris Christie. Which is not much. That's crazy. Rutgers is NUMBER ONE. You have to keep telling them that until they make you number 1. TELL THEM. They're losers, if you keep telling them how great you are, they will listen and vote for you. Then you'll be number one. Trump knows about polls. Nobody knows more about early polls than Trump. Urban Meyer? He's a loser. Don't worry about him. They told me Jeb Bush was the front-runner before Trump got in the race. When was the last time anybody heard from him? Trumped. Same for Urban. When Trump gets Rutgers rolling, maybe we'll hire Urban to do a puppet show, for the kids. I am a JOB CREATOR after all.

Together, we will MAKE. RUTGERS. GREAT. AGAIN.

[tosses microphone at Steve Politi, walks out]