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We've been good sports.
We've put up with the Buttgers..and the WTFutgers...and the Jersey jokes of all flavors.
That was yesterday. Today is hate day. We know its supposed to be some sacred holy day, reserved for some snot-nosed ttfp punk to claim in derision that there isn't an RU-POSU rivalry, but we're from Jersey, so we thought it would be fun to spread the hate around, and since we're from Jersey, we do what we want.
You gotta problem with that? Huh?
Accordingly, I present to you, in reverse order of hate, the On The Banks editorial staff review of the Big Ten cast of characters:
Minnesota
BC: Or as some might call it, Canada light.
KR: Why would anyone hate Minnesota? And I mean that as an insult. Who cares enough to hate them? What could they possibly have done to you?
RR: I honestly have no reason to hate Minnesota. I mean, technically its part of Canada right? Like, it's actually north of Canada. People in Minnesota say things like "Are you going South for the winter? I hear Canada is nice this time of year."
AE: Thanks for that lemon of a QB you tricked us into stealing from you, golden varmints. You WILL be hearing from our attorneys.
DW (Dave White): Hey, Fargo! (No?) Hey! Laverne and Shirley! (NO?) Mary Tyler Moore? (Maybe?) I don't know... you suck.
Wisconsin
BC: I like cheese. A lot. But who wears a freakin' Cheese wheel slice on their head? I gotta give you the beer thing, though. Beer is good. As Ben Franklin said, "Beer is God's way of telling us he loves us."
KR: It's incredibly annoying to me that the shade of red from the uniforms isn't even close to matching the shade of red from the spaceteam 'W'.
RR: I like cheese so much that you get a pass. Go on, git. Get outta here. No wait, come back. Cheese, give me cheese. Okay, now git.
AE: We smacked Bert for you, and you didn't send so much as a thank you. Didn't your mother raise you better than that? [sees people wearing cheese heads in public nonironically] guess not.
DW (Dave White): I worked in a dairy department once. All cheese does is rot.
Northwestern
BC: Bright folks. You'll all be CEOs some day. Now go away.
KR: Is there a rule that if you're a smartypants school you can't actually go and support your team live, in-person? Stanford seems to have it figured out, why can't you?
RR: Yeah, I actually have a lot of respect for Northwestern. Ton of family went there/teach there. Great programs all around, especially journalism. To me, they feel like a peer school to Rutgers, which is why we must crush them. Seriously, there is no other recourse than to completely and thoroughly demolish and embarrass you any time we play.
There can be only one, bitch.
AE: Too much Princeton similarity. Well-heeled alumni base? Check. Garish uniform colors? Check. Feline mascot? Check. No football team to speak of? Check. I see you eyeing our cannon, you bourgeois filth. Don't even think about it. Let me put it in words you nerds understand:
DW (Dave White): Nerds. Go make a stupid song and like... be good at journalism or something
Illinois
BC: Can't have nice things, doesn't have nice things, and has a bond rating as bad as New Jersey. So don't go getting' uppity with us.
KR: There's a tractor buried in the field? Really?
RR: The fuck? You have a tractor buried in your field? I thought Iowa or Newbroski was going to have the greatest redneck quotient. Congrats Cletus, you done did it!
AE: Your best player in recent years is a dude named "Juice". Nuff said.
DW (Dave White): Pronounce the S. Do it. It's so much fun.
Purdue
BC: Long suffering and doesn't exist. Like us, a state school without a state name. Founded six months before we played the first football game, which was 4 days before Rutgers celebrated its 103rdanniversary. And, yes, we are a land grant college.
John Purdue, not to be confused with Frank.
KR: I know it's not spelled the same, but when I hear that name, I think of chicken before I think of anything that might resemble a university in the state of Indiana.
RR: I know a guy who went to Purdue. Smart dude. Great AI programmer. He was the dungeon master for our D&D campaign and he always scared the SHIT out of me. Therefore, you will pay for his transgressions. If I ever see a Purdue Jersey in Jersey, I'm going to leap out of the bushes screaming like a zombie.
See how you like it...
AE: Boilermakers, cocktail version: Like.
Boilermakers, football version: [FATAL SYSTEM ERROR: FILE NOT FOUND. CONTACT SYSTEM ADMINISTRATOR]
DW (Dave White): The historical page on your school website has like... 3 events. EVER. That's not a history, that's a brochure.
Iowa
BC: I like corn. I loved M.A.S.H. and Hawkeye Pierce. Apparently the name is in honor of the Native American Black Hawk, whose name in his native tongue was Makataimeshekiakiak. And that would have been a bitch for Keith Jackson or Brad Nessler to say. In addition to its nickname of Hawkeye State, Iowa has a few other nicknames (yes, we have some, too). How about Land Where the Tall Corn Grows and the Losses Mount.
KR: Those pink visitor locker rooms are working really well I hear. So many trips to the Rose Bowl because of them.
RR: While I was raised in Jersey, I was born in Ames Iowa (home of the Iowa State Cyclones), so I was born with an innate love of the state of Iowa, but an intense hate of those jerks up in "Iowa City" (most unoriginal city name EVER). Somehow you pig people managed to simultaneously play the role of annoying underdog AND deplorable bully. Iowa may be a great state AND home to the highest % of college grads in the country, but you sirs, are on the wrong side of the bacon.
AE: Stop trying to decide our presidential elections you goons.
DW (Dave White): Come on, now. Maynard Reese is like your most famous historical resident.
Indiana
BC: Golly gee willickers. Can you hate Indiana? Unless you want to be PC and rename it Native Americana.
KR: When is it basketball season?
RR: Pretty sure the KKK is based like, at your admissions office. I think that's all the hate we need to cover for this post...
AE: The best thing about Indiana is Pawnee, and that is fictional.
DW (Dave White): What's up with Gary?
Maryland
BC: The uniforms. Really? I mean, I'm a history guy and I love pomp and pageantry. But the damn things look like George Calvert (you Twerps know who I'm talking about) vomited bad clams all over the equipment room.
KR: I spent three years living in DC, and I got to see Terp fans up close. Probably the worst people on the entire planet. It's one thing if you're UCLA or Duke or some other blueblood basketball program. But you're not. You're Maryland. You can act like a prestigious basketball school all you want, but you just aren't. And good lord, Randy Edsall? How much longer will we be forced to put up with him?
RR: It should be hard to hate you guys. I mean, we're 15 minutes of Delaware's just-the-tip from being neighboring states forpetesake. Maryland is basically south jersey but with crabs.
Yet, somehow you old bay motherlovers make it so easy to hate you. I don't know if its your Magic Eye Jerseys (I swear I saw a sailboat last time I watched a MD game), or this bizarre superiority complex you have. Just make sure you understand this: you're our little brother. We'll watch out for you, but you need to understand your place, punk.
AE: Our crab sucking, Old Bay abusing, awful uniform having, little brothers to the south better get on board with fighting Indiana for last place in the B1G East annually.
DW: (Dave White) Couldn't beat Duke, so you ran, huh? (Actually, thanks for that. We needed your help. But seriously... you couldn't beat Duke?)
Michigan State
BC: I like Tom Izzo. I like Mark Dantonio, even without an apostrophe in his name. I even like the color green. But the song On the Banks is ours. Screw te Red Cedar River and its banks. You're insecure with big, bad UM less than 60 miles away. Yeah, insecure just like Purdue is to Indiana.
KR: Don't really have much to hate on regarding the Spartans. In fact I like the style of football you guys play. However, enough with the agriculture talk on OTE. One more comment about apples and my head will literally implode due to severe boredom.
RR: I like MSU. They occupy the plucky underdog role well...although they have an annoying tendency to be really good, which feels a bit like a betrayal. Also, they tried to steal our song, so they must SUFFER.
You ever play a video game where you have a mirror match and you have to play a character with the same performance characteristics, abilities and equipment as you? I think that's what RU-MSU is going to be.
Mirror matches are the worst...
AE: So "Dantonio" is ashamed of the apostrophe that should be in his name, huh? Embrace your guido heritage sir. Your jacked and tan mascot already has.
DW: Nothing to say here. Tom Izzo scares me. Please don't beat us by 61 points or more.
Nebroski
BC: The Husker mascot looks like it's a runaway from Bob's Big Boy. Seriously. But he's holding a whole cow over his head instead of just a single burger. Photos attached
KR: You almost feel bad for Nebraska because they are just never going to become what they once were. Oh well. Cheers to Bo Pellllini!
RR: AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA. TROLOLOLOL. EEEEHEHEHE You fuckers got admitted into the Big Ten based on the pretense that you had an academically sound institution and then like, 2 days later got booted out of the AAU. You frickin Rednecks. It's like you forgot you were supposed to be some backwater farm people for two seconds and then let your guard down just long enough for the AAU people to find you makin' sweet bacon love to your pig.
Thus, you shall be Nebroski forever.
AE: You bastards had Julie Hermann in her formative years. You couldn't stop jamming corn cobs in places they don't belong for like, FIVE MINUTES, to give the girl some media training?
DW: Any joke I'd make here would be corny. So they'd all be appropriate.
Michigan
We call it gold, yellow, canary, lemon, chartreuse, or buff (which by the way is one of New Jersey's official colors). But you call it maize. If you don't get that reference try this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cuOlD0JZhM4 Yellow is commonly associated with gold (go BTN), wealth (again), sunshine (in Michigan? Really?), happiness (aren't large people - Brady - usually happy?), and optimism (uh oh. Gotta stop talking Michigan, then).
KR: Yuck, those "Pure Michigan" commercials. It's funny, people make fun of Rutgers for being next to New York City as the only reason for getting an invite. Well honestly, I feel like Michigan is lucky it's next to a lake, otherwise why would anyone visit? Can't wait to visit sunny Detroit!
Another thing: tone it down with the burn-your-retina maize or whatever. You're not Oregon.
RR: If there was a school who's mascot would be "snorting in derision" it would be Michigan. The shocking part is that there is no school less deserving of that roll than Michigan. I mean, you had your glory days, on and off the gridiron. You had "Detroit" as we knew it and you legit dominated the early days of football - after we so kindly invented it for you...y'welcome - but look around. You are not the shit you once were.
You know what you are? You're us. You're Rutgers West. You're a strong public school with aspirations to provide a top-tier education to the masses while excelling in athletics, the arts, and across every spectrum of the student/alumni/community experience. You're somewhere in the 20-40 range most seasons, with a few trips up to the top of the stack.
Why do we hate you then? Because as you read this right now, you're blood is boiling at the assertion that we could deign associate you with Rutgers...egads!
Well, guess what fuckers? You're on the decline. We're on the rise. Sorry if that hits a little close to home, but you should get used to that fact and start generating a little humility.
AE: If Gerald Ford is the best thing to come out of your school, you got problems kid.
DW:
First:
Then:
Ohio State
BC: They're big. They're bad. And they know it But they did generate a school president, Gordon "Golly" Gee who kept talking enough to make Julie Hermann look like Henry Kissinger. The guy joked that he hoped Jim "Tats" Tressel wouldn't fire him. There was a piece a while back that called tOSU fans the most annoying in the conference. But I'm sure that was overstated.
KR: I might not believe in all of that SEC-type conference solidarity, but you had a perfect shot to take down a southern university in the National Championship game, and you blew it. YOU BLEW IT. You didn't even make it past the conference championship game. You're supposed to be the best the conference has to offer in coaching, talent, and (arguably) prestige. What good are you if you can't even play for the crystal football?
RR: Nobody likes a bully. Other than that, I can't really comment. You seem to have all the personality of a beautiful 17-year old teenage girl who has gotten through high school based on looks alone. You get what you want, but you have no personality; no soul. I mean, yeah, you did the whole tattoo thing, but it was just a cry for help.
Look, it's nice that you had your rebellious phase, but lets be honest. I'd rather be the hot mess that Rutgers can be than the buttoned-up Mean Girl who will go on to struggle in life because she never developed a personality.
AE: Why does every single alumnus (or resident of Ohio who could not get admitted to the school), dress like an Offensive Line coach? We like scarlet too, but it's ok to wear something else once in a while, especially to church
DW: I DOT THE I. I ALWAYS DOT THE I.
the team from pennsylvania
BC: Let's start with the general reaction one gets thinking about that school.
KR: Look, I'm sure it's a nice place. They're good enough to take all the kids from NJ who couldn't get into Rutgers. Good neighbors. They apparently make good ice cream. But the highlight of the trip out there is stopping at the Flying J Travel Center on I-80 to buy PSU sweatshirts and ammo. And then there's....there's....uhhhh....
KR: I know Rutgers is not much historically compared to the Nitty Kitties. And I have to say, I've seen a good amount of well-mannered PSU fans who are as excited as we are for September 13. But you really have to search far and wide to find a fanbase as cultish as Penn State. You know how Maryland feels about their basketball program? It's exponential for PSU fans. I mean, I understand if an Alabama fan wants to run his mouth about how great the Tide are, but that's understandable. For some PSU fans, they're already counting the national championships that James Franklin will bring to Happy Valley.
AE: One of the degenerates in the comments referenced "the scenic drive to State College" this week. BARF. The drive WEST to State College, right before the exit to Crappy Valley, is a prison, complete with:
RR: I can't. I can't even.
I'm just going to leave this here: I've Got Your Happy Valley Right Here: A Manifesto of Hate for tTFP
via i.imgur.com
DW: "The Grand Experiment. Seriously, let's flaunt the grand experiment. Um. Until it goes horribly wrong and nearly puts us not the death penalty. And then we'll ignore it."