clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

How Doug Marrone is like a totalitarian dictator

Here's some food for thought.

  • Doug Marrone rules with an iron fist over the vast plane of desolate, inhospitable tundra known as Upstate New York. The region's traditional sport involves masked thugs attacking each other with rubber balls and netted sticks.
  • There is zero tolerance for dissent, leading to frequent purges of any remaining players with ties to the previous regime. Judging from the way Michigan's defense has looked this year, Greg Robinson has yet to resurface.
  • Awash in the new Mandate of Heaven, they're eager to establish link to past foregone imperial glory days.
  • Overworked wounded subordinates are dropping like flies.
  • The fearless leader is a purveyor of newspeak, believes in the One, True Adjective above all others.
  • He allegedly attributes past failures to vast, insidious conspiracy by the (clearly omnipotent) Rutgers football program. No subsequent witnessess have surfaced, as they were all sent to labor camps for re-education.
  • There was recently a bizarre public outburst in defense of favored apparatchiks. Ryan Nassib better watch out for icepick-wielding assassins, and I'm not talking about Joe Lefeged.

You know, it was surprisingly hard to find enough quotes to do a Kanye/Hitler style riff here. Why does Marrone have to be so damned boring? Can't he spout easily-twistable country colloquialisms like Bill Stewart does (e.g., "It's a lot easier if you have bullets in the holster")?

What's really sad is that his pressers don't even show up in the top Google search results for the T-word. Wouldn't manipulating those page rankings be the perfect X-Mas gift? More importantly, do they even celebrate our western bourgeois holidays in the fiefdom?